When I woke up

 Then…I woke up.

Turns out what I thought was a journal fail on my part was actually a hormone thing. Guys, this may be TMI, just warning you now.

Since 2020, I have been in a kind of funk. Not really depression, not anxiety, but a low level funk. Like being a hole and forgetting what the light feels like on your face. It happened gradually, I sank down into figurative quicksand and didn’t notice it. As I sank slowly and subtly, the changes were not obvious and it did not occur to me something was wrong.

I looked through my 2022 and 2023 journals with page after page of nothing and felt the loss of memory, but I didn’t really care much. It felt like too much work to pull out my books and play. I was losing something. In health care, we ask patients some screening questions for depression. One of these questions is … have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed. I definitely had.

The thing is, I went through a depression after my divorce 14 years ago. This didn’t feel like that.

(Here comes the TMI) I am a little over 50 years old and a woman. My periods have been erratic, painful, and have lasted from 4 days to 63 days (yes, you can feel bad for me, it sucked a lot) since 2019. I am in peri-menopause. This is the name for the transition between fertility and end of fertility for women. The time of transition. I hate change of most kinds. Working on that… a lot, but still stuck in the change averse place for now. For me, transitions suck. Plain and simple. I’m not alone, but I can only tell my story for now. 

Fortunately, there is Instagram and there are books and colleagues in the medical community who are working hard to educate and support us…through the change. I found some great resources and as I read and explored, the lightbulb went off in my head. I am in perimenopause, my hormones are all over the place. Could this be the reason for my funk?

Short answer: yes. I saw my primary care provider and requested hormones. I placed my first estrogen patch (at the tiniest dose possible) at 6 pm. By 8 pm, I woke up. 

More to come…

Books:

Estrogen Matters by Tavris and Bluming

The Menopause Manifesto by Gunter

IG 

Dr Mary Haver @drmaryclaire

Dr. Heather Hirsch @heatherhirschmd

Journaling fail

The pandemic changed a lot of things including how I use my journals. I have been journaling smaller since the COVID-19 pandemic.

By smaller, I mean the size of my journals, moving down to an A6 size or Weeks (wallet size similar to a traveler’s notebook size). And also the amount and depth of thought I record.

It’s not that I need less processing. It couldn’t be with all the stressors. As a mother worried about my adult son, a daughter worried about my older parents, a wife, a sister and, not least of all, a Nurse Practitioner. I had around 800 patients to be concerned about and it definitely added a lot of stress, and a great deal of crushing sadness when I lost so many of them. All of these roles came with concern for the health of those in my world, and the overwhelming lack of control that came with so many being sick and having no way to help.

I found myself focusing more on spiritual and emotional peace and much of it was so high stress that I did not find it “jounal-able.” During the three years of the high anxiety I felt, processing on paper was almost more than I could take, causing me to step back from as much paper journaling and holding more of it in my physical body. Ever since this change in journaling, I have gained 20 pounds, not recognizing this was a problem until this moment.

This is a pretty vulnerable place to be living. I would like the next step to be to get back to the paper processing and sharing what happens when I do it and maybe what works for me. 

If you have gone through something similar, please share what worked for you!

Why I share my journals and my Hobonichi planners

I have been thinking a lot about why I share my journals and planners on Instagram regularly. What compels the sharing?

Early stage 2 journaling

Part of it has to do with my own journey into journaling and memory keeping. I looked everywhere to find someone using their paper in real life rather than staged or just art. I love art journals, I love stickers, I love the beautiful sketches and drawings that some people have the ability to complete. I wanted to see an example of something real that helped to run a life. While I love to look at the journal pages that are specifically done to showcase planner materials and pretty writing, there is a place for this in the gallery that is Instagram and I can get lost in looking at them, this is not my love. I love to see the daily journals, travel journals, hiking journals and the journals where one goes to dump all of the day-to-day stuff and to get clear and current on jobs and to help the journalist to get to their own best space, in the head and in the heart.



I found Brandice Schnable. She had her simple Moleskine weekly planner filled out and posted. It showed a bit of who she was as a person, that she struggled with weight, her Weight Watchers meetings were mentioned, her food was tracked, that she struggled with her work and loved it, too, that she loved her husband and spending time with him. She didn't mention any names or break confidentiality, but she talked about her work and maligned the same things I struggled with at that time, She was a counselor and I am a Nurse Practitioner. We have similar struggles in our work and even in our lives. I identified with her and she helped me find my journal. It did not have to be complete paragraphs of what I did that day, but could be a simple record and still be very compelling to me years later, as hers was to me when I read through it.


It was a perfect storm. I was reading a book by Tristine Rainer called The New Diary, which discusses the ways to use journaling to help us find our center, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and Artist's Journal Workshop by Cathy Johnson, which is when I found Brandice, a current journalist who used her journal in many of the ways Tristine discussed. I won't share any of Brandice's content as she has moved past the stage in her life where she shares these things (she found her best life, I like to think I was able to witness part of that process in her journals). I want to do the same thing Brandice did for me for others looking to journal a life. Tracking, setting intention, finding the best path to follow, all of it. Including art if it is what I need that day.

So began a new journey for me. I began with simple daily records, a blank journal and gave myself permission to write, draw, paint, dump all the clutter in my brain on the page, learn to write well in a compelling voice that I could read later and remember fondly as part of my daily life. I don't know if I got there, I still don't know if I am there, but I do know my journal is a slice of my everyday and I hope that someone else can be inspired by it to keep a little bit of their daily life in reserve. To own the day, to figure out where they want to go and to find their own voice.

Current journaling in my A5 Hobonichi Cousin

IG is @bejennie2

#OneBookJuly Wrap up

The end has come.
Not of everything, just of July and of this year's One Book July challenge.
What did I learn? I learned that I need the A5 size for journaling to help with my creativity and, weirdly, to help motivate me to work out regularly. I started the year with a book just for health and working out, thinking it would be uber motivating to have a place to gather up all the information. I had a roll going at the end of 2017 of yoga every day and I had added running and core work. But, for some reason, having the A5 size just inspires me to practice my asana every day.

A few journal days in July

A few more journal days in July

I also learned that the PERFECT sidekick to my A5 journal is the Mega Weeks. It complements my Cousin in a few ways:
       1.  It has many back pages for collections and it is a place to gather notes and other information so that I can use the A5 just as a journal.
      2. I have been using the Weeks since the beginning of the year, and it allows me to look back if needed on information from the beginning of the year since my A5 Cousin is only half a year. The whole year gets too bulky when the amount of wash tape is used in it that I like to use. Love a new book in July. New planners twice a year, so fun.

A place in the blank pages of the Mega Weeks to keep notes on things like yoga practice.

The calendar page in the Mega Weeks that allow me to track things like Water intake, calorie count, steps, whether I worked out or not, how many patients I saw and how many charts I left open. Notes on the right.

So, what should I do when ordering opens for the Hobonichi store in September? I should order a Mega Weeks and a Cousin Avec set for 2019.
What will I actually do? Probably, I'll buy every size.

SO, this is the life of a planner girl. I love all the books. I love all the possibility that comes from all the books. But, the truth is that I should just get one of each of these two, because it makes the most sense and gives me the planner JOY!

There are a lot of things I did not cover about how I actually use these books. If you are interested in more information or a deeper dive into the reflection that I do regularly or tracking techniques, leave me a note and I'll create a post about it. Thanks for stopping by!

#OneBookJuly update

So, here we are in week three and I am LOVING my current 2 book setup.

Last year, I was already in one book, but had some issues that I had never worked out having only a Hobonichi Cousin. I would take notes any random time on my daily pages when reading a book, but would then have a hard time finding them again when I wanted to look back on the notes.

This year, I already had a system worked out before July, accidentally. I was using the new Mega Weeks from Hobonichi as an Every Day Carry (EDC) and to capture all the random bits, like book review notes, self help book notes and details of how I actually used the information.  The Mega Weeks has about 200 blank pages at the back and I have no concerns about running out of space, so I have been freely using this for notes. It is also small enough to pull out at a Medical Staff meeting or other random meetings and I don't feel like I am too conspicuous (since most of the other attendees don't bother with notes). Eureka!

A week complete in the Mega Weeks dated section

Comparison of the Mega Weeks to the Weeks planner

Mega Weeks on the bottom in the Galen Leather cover,  regular Weeks on the top.

And, since the Weeks is my planner, there are only so many tasks I can add per day. This helps me greatly as I tend to move away from long task lists and stop doing things rather than getting them done if the list is too long.
The other huge benefit is that I am loving my A5 sized Cousin to play, just stickers, color and random journaling which is bringing me such JOY. My goal for #onebookjuly was to figure out how to get that joy back in my journaling, to capture my days again for fun and because when I capture the days, it does not feel that time is going QUITE as fast. I would still be okay if it slowed down a bit...

A couple of journal entries, and such a JOYful book to flip through.

Owning my days, even the mundane

Let me know if you have any questions, I love to journal and would love to help anyone who may not know where to start.

One Book July 2018 First week

It's JULY and time for ONE BOOK JULY.  Beginning 4 years ago as a challenge to get back to the basics of the planning with one book and one pen for one month. Each year it changes a bit, with new options added for stretching and developing your own system, but really there are no rules. For more information, go to YouTube and watch Rhomany's Realm, Miss Vicky Bee, or Dispatches from the Frat House (Carrie Harling) to see the introduction or look anywhere on line with the hashtag #onebookjuly, lots of stuff will come up.

Every year, I have done a clean up and clean out, paring down the sticker collection and cleaning up my journal and planner tools.  I don't know why, but this challenge inspires me to get clean and clear with everything. 

Starting point on 1 July, 2 size A6 books and 2  Weeks

Here is another view. Crazy number of books!

This year, I started in a place I have never been before, with 4 books. I had an A6 Hobonichi original techo to journal in, a Hobonichi Mega Weeks for fitness tracking, a Hobonichi Mega Weeks for every day carry and a Spring start A6 hobonichi (another one) to track my day, a la bullet journal. I have usually been a one book girl, so this was getting ridiculous. It felt like a good time for a change. I was even struggling to journal regularly, which is unusual for me, another cue to change.

As I considered what to do for the challenge, I was certain that the Hobonichi Cousin, A5 size would be coming back. I had a second half new book (avec) that starts in July, so it would be an easy add. BUT, I really liked having my Hobonichi Weeks to take to work. It allowed me to throw it in my bag and go, it is small and lightweight, and it has plenty of room to plan. There are also plenty of blank pages in the back that can be used for all manner of things, lists, notes, reflections, and I love this. I have seen some ingenious uses of the back pages for journaling from a lot of folks, I just don't bond with it that way, so my journaling would go back to the A5 size, which allows me space to breathe.

The one thing I hate in my system (journalling and planning) is redundancy. I don't want to write the same thing twice and I want to know where to find things. The Weeks is obviously, in a weekly format, and the Cousin has a weekly view. What will I do with both to prevent redundancy? THAT will be part of the challenge.

Inside view

One Book July decision, one A5 size and one Weekly

I want to be attentive to my days, find the beauty in the mundane, and get the things that drive me nuts out of my head. 

Life does not consist of constant adventures, but small details that make us laugh and cry and give us reasons to continue, the mundane details pull me back into my journals for a journey through my own story over and over.

A spread in the A5, delicious.

ROW 80 check in 11/26

Well, things are going well.
A week ago I could not have said the same thing. I was at 26k last week, which was well behind the goal. Today, I am at 40,244 which is only about 3K behind and I am confident in my ability to write 5k for two days and make my goal!


1. Write to a goal of 43K.
I am at 40,244 which is close enough. Tomorrow, I have a half day to write and the day after that I get a bonus day to finish. I usually work on Tuesday, so am very excited about getting the day to write. And my work is all caught up at my JOB. Yay, for great focus.

2. Yoga most days:
This is going well, 5/7 days this week. This is a 71%, which is not great, but I will take it until my word count is caught up.

3. Run walk run:
Still aiming for 2 times a week. This week, only made one, but I am still happy that it is still on my radar and that this week's run was 3 miles rather than the puny 2 I have been doing. There is a story behind this. I found out I have something called dead butt syndrome, which is when the glutes do not fire at all. I have been working really hard to get them activated, which I have learned over the last 2 months. But, I figured out today that activation is not the same as use. When I have figured out how to actually use the glutes to propel me, I am so much faster (2 min per mile faster) and it is more fun to run. Yay.

ROW check in 8, NaNo starts

Well, this check in is not very timely, but here it is.
I am working on a few goals for this week:
1. Write 8400 words in 5 sessions. I have been writing by hand, which I love, but it is not very efficient, so I broke down and set up my Scrivener. So far, so good. It is helping and on Day 2 of NaNoWriMo, I end the day with 4702 words. Yay! (Blue stickies)

2. Yoga 4-6 times a week: This is the easiest goal I have ever had. It calls me and is really important to get my mind in the right place and was soooo important this week when our money was totally stolen from the bank. I am living on the $100 I had stashed in my wallet because of some hacker. Yoga helps me stay sane and non-homicidal. (Yellow stickies)

3. Run-walk-run: started this again and am excited about 2 times a week. The other things I have planned are all NaNo related. I put a lot of pressure on myself most years to get the words written, This year, all fun, no pressure, just find the story.(Red stickies)

The colors in my planner are to help me get things done without being too much pressure. Stickies, I can move and don't make me twitchy. The green stickies are journaling to remind me that I love it and not to quit.

Ended Thursday with 4702 words. Yay for NaNo.

http://www.inlinkz.com/new/view.php?id=692478

Full and happy week and ROW Round 4 check in

Wow, this week has been full of stuff.

I have taken the doggie for a walk twice. On Tuesday, I was sure I killed her. She was so lazy and out of it, not acting like herself. We finally figured out that she was sore from the walk. Apparently, dogs need to ease into it as well. I took her again yesterday and she is tired and sleeping more today, but not nearly as sore as Tuesday. She worried me then, now she is just tired.

Libby

This week, I have also done three run-walk-runs and focused on my core and being in neutral position as I am walking and running. This is MUCH harder than I ever thought it could be. Like learning how to walk all over again. I walk and then stop, find neutral spine, which feels a bit like I am tucked too far under with my bum, then run or walk, whatever I am on for the cycle. Right now, I am still at 10 seconds of running and 30 seconds of walking. Feeling fine and activating the "dead butt."

Writing has been fabulous this week, and getting in the true spirit of ROW80, I am finding a more sustainable pace than I typically write during November because of NaNo. I love the support and camaraderie of the NaNo forums and knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with the down side of writing. Sometimes it is just HARD. Worth it, but hard.

I wrote 250-500 words on typical work days and then today, more words. So the total for the week was 2666 words, and completely manageable into the forseeable future. I have also FOUND MY STORY, which was my most important writing goal for this week. I started on a story I found too boring to hold my interest, so I kept looking until I found the one. It will be called a Focused Witch unless a new and better name presents itself along the way.

This week had no friend time outside of work, but the hubby needed me since he had a tougher week. I do have a journaling meet-up set up for Monday and am super excited about seeing this friend I have not seen for about 6 months. Too long.

ROW80 Round 4 check in

Yippee, I completed 976 words so far this week. My goal was 250 words a day, so, not quite at my goal. I am still happy with it. My goal was to work on fitting writing into my life. This month, I have a core class every Tuesday and Thursday, that is making me behind just a bit at work. This affects my ability to let go of work and get CREATIVE. So, almost 1000 words fit into my life in the first week of trying, while sticking with yoga, my core class and adding a run-walk-run on Saturday with a good friend. Pretty good.

Goal 1:  Find the level of writing I can maintain...this week, it was 1000 words.

Goal 2: Maintain interaction with my peeps...this week, went to a run-walk-run event with a friend I miss. So lovely! Oh, and I still enjoyed my writing all week!

Goal 3: NaNo hasn't started yet, so this is on hold except for figuring out the story world I will be working with during November.

ROW80 Round 4 2017

One of these days, I'll get it right. I'll start writing in the fall and just keep going. Maybe I can make it happen for 2017-2018.

I love to write, but life has not been kind over the past few years, what with brain surgery and then having my life taken over by work. One thing I have found to be absolutely true is complete rest from work improves creativity for me. Getting my brain to understand that it is okay to completely unplug is not easy. My work includes making sure people stay safe and mostly don't die. Unfortunately, this is not always easy.

GOALS FOR THE ROUND: (All learning goals, as being too prescriptive makes me twitchy and increases my stress.)

1. Experiment to see what level of writing I can maintain with work and while continuing yoga daily or almost daily. And run-walk-run at least 2 times a week to prepare for 2018 Missoula Marathon. Measurement: I have something more than 250 words daily on average and yoga and run-walk-run on my calendar. Easy to see if I continue to track it.

2. Find the balance that allows me to be interactive with others and write to allow for continued motivation. I know that I am an extrovert and will start losing my drive if I have no contact with others. I need the balance of helping and encouraging with anything else I do.  (Maybe add work on a how-to book that will allow this as I write my fiction.)
Measurement: I continue to enjoy my writing and it does not start making me feel stressed out to get to my word goal. Very subjective. Have no headaches. Objective.

3.Win NaNo with STYLE. By that, I mean, go to write-ins, moderate the hell out of the forum I am responsible for and rock the ML thing. It will be my third year, but I have never done it WELL. This is the year of Montana::Elsewhere.
Measurement: Count the interaction and aim for posts from me at least twice a week and an updated calendar on the site. Beat interaction of last year. (Easy as there was none)

NaNo Prep

Getting ready to jump into NaNoWriMo in November. I have no idea what to write this year, but I do know I am going to do a combination of computer and hand writing. I found last year's hand writing to be wonderful and connecting to the writing so much better, but there were days I wanted to get 10,000 words and just could not manage it by hand. I am not sure how to make this combination/hybrid happen, yet, and it may take a bit of trial and error to get it right...or write? Hehe.

I have had wins in all the years I have attempted NaNo, but I have not edited anything for publication, yet. I would like to get back to ROW 80, which is a year round writing project that allows for writing or editing and encourages each other through 80 day rounds. I loved it when I did it back in 2014 and completely forgot about it.

This year will be different than any of the years since I started NaNoWriMo because, ladies and gentlemen, I have my life back! I changed jobs, giving notice last year in December after a search that lasted almost a year. It was emotional, draining, and difficult. The aftermath has been wonderful, and it is delightful how happy I can be doing the same job that was killing me. I have more creativity in my job and am taking better care of myself physically and emotionally than I ever have. Adding writing back to my life will be challenging, but one I am savoring.

I have wondered if I changed from extrovert to introvert over the last few years. My job took over my life. I was working 11 hour days 4 days a week and then adding another 8-12 hours of charting on the computer on top of that on the weekend, usually on Sunday. I forgot what church feels like, and could not have made it if I wanted to. Now, I get to choose, go to church, rest, play, listen to what I need, rather than what I have to do. This rest allows for greater creativity and better attention to my work, which is patients and their illness or health. I have my life back!

I am going to a core class offered by my employer, and finding out all kinds of things. It is twice a week, and I attend a yoga class once a week in person and do home practice daily. There is no way with my former job that I could have obligated myself to this schedule. I needed more rest. I needed ALL the rest when I was not working. It still was not enough. Now, I am going to multiple classes and doing other social things and feeling good about them and me. I am not noticing them taking any additional energy, rather, they are feeding my energy level and spirit. This is life going the right direction.

Now, to start writing to figure out what I want to focus on for November...

Why I had brain surgery

Imagine stepping out of the shower one day and finding it difficult to smile. You look in the mirror and notice that the left side of your face is drooping. This happened to me about three years ago. It lasted 2 minutes and I didn't think anything of it. We had been hiking and I applied a deet-rich insecticide with my hands before we went and picked and ate tons of berries all the way up and back during the hike with the deet residue on them. Maybe I had poisoned myself. (Hopefully, just a little.)

I look back and think how crazy it was that I dismissed that sign. I am a Nurse Practitioner and if a patient called me and told me this was happening to them, I would immediately send them to the hospital. So, why did I ignore it?

It was too scary to contemplate. It was much less stressful to ignore it.  My grandmother had passed on at 42 years old after multiple strokes. My sister has had 2 strokes in her twenties and early thirties. I was 42. I had already been to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and been checked out. Granted, it was a full 18 months earlier, and at that time, I had a small narrowing in my internal carotid artery. This is the artery that feeds the interior of the brain from the neck. I was told to come back in a year. Must not have been paying enough attention. Or, was I ignoring this, too.

The options I had at Mayo were to have a brain surgery to give me blood flow around the spot in my brain that was narrowing, waiting and watching, or more tests and one of the above. Too scary to contemplate.

Along I went for over a month before the same thing happened again. My face "melted." My left arm started getting numb. It would start in my little finger, making typing really difficult. After some time, which varied from 5 minutes to several hours, it would fade. Then another finger or more than one, would go numb, again cramping my typing style. I typed all day long to get patient information into an electronic health record. It was important that I had the ability to do this.

During this time, I found myself waking up in the morning and just feeling terrible. There was nothing specific I could point to that made me feel this way. I preferred to go back to sleep and would sleepily say, "I just don't want to play today." As long as this was on a day I didn't have to work, it was not too bad. The problem worsened when my migraines ramped up, randomly interrupting my life. There was nothing to explain it. And I kept track of everything. Food, drink, weather, stress. Nothing made it worse or better. So, I would have headaches that would force me to stay home or to go home. I was having numbness in my hand and the melting face was getting worse. And it was happening more often.

Finally, one day, my face melted at work, and lasted for almost 20 minutes. The doctor working with me that day looked at me and sent me to the Emergency Room. We did a CT scan of my head which didn't see anything. Of course not, there is not much that was going wrong with me that could be seen on a CT. If I had a big bleed or something, that would have been obvious, but nothing like that was going on. Just a nefarious, gradual, decrease in blood flow to parts of my brain.

If I were having these symptoms 40 years earlier, I would have just had to wait around until the big one happened. I am so lucky to be alive in this time.

So, I stopped ignoring it when my face melted more than 5 times in one month. I made an appointment. The Neurosurgeon did many tests, some painful, some benign. And we scheduled a surgery to avoid a stroke. One that has been performed about 300 times by the surgeon. Not that many, to my husband's dismay. The hard part was just beginning.

ROW 80 jumping back in!

I have been so bad about updating my progress this year. There has been so much happening. The good news is that I won NaNoWriMo this year for the second time and I have a decent story to begin editing!

I was aiming for 500-1000 words a day, but it turns out, if I like my story and have an idea of what to write, I can get upwards of 10,000 in a day. Most days, I can write a good 3000 words. That is so exciting.

So, I wrote over 60,000 words this month and my goal for next month?

-I am going to rewrite my 2013 NaNo novel. It has good bones, surprisingly. Since I have been focusing on writing better stories, I think I can rewrite this in the next month and have it end up something I can be proud of. Maybe even think about publishing. At least for my family and friends.

-More specifically, I plan on 10,000 words each week. I think I can do this with the momentum I have been gathering with NaNo. I met the 50,000 word goal in 13 writing days. I finished on the 23rd of November. Personal best this year!

More importantly, I am starting to walk/run regularly again. I have done twice this week. I would like to walk/run at least three days a week. There. It's out there.

My favorite line so far of the rewrite. It is not quite polished, but it surprised me when it happened.

“She is choosing something other than you to help her through her own sorrow,” Grace said. “When someone chooses something other than family to turn to in time of turmoil, it is hard to understand. Not understanding makes us mad sometimes. Sad other times. You don’t get to decide how you feel about it, but you have to admit to yourself how you feel before you can move on. Forgive yourself for the feelings you feel guilty about before you can forgive the other person for creating those feelings in you in the first place.” Grace said.

Needs some reworking, but I love the sentiment.

Happy December ROW80 writers!

I have a screw loose!

I have a screw loose. It would be funny if it wasn't so serious. I was scratching my head yesterday, which still has a lot of scabs on it trying to heal up and pulled on what I thought was a scab that felt loose. I can't see the wound, of course, which exists on the right side of my head from the front of my ear to almost the top of my head. When they did the surgery, they only clipped a little trail of hair, so my medium length hair appears intact to outsiders. Meaning anyone who is not in my body. I looked at the piece I pulled on and Oh. My. Heck. It was a tiny screw. That. Just. Came. Out. Of. My. Head.

Just to be clear. That is not supposed to happen.

What if the titanium plate it was holding decides to climb out of there next? Holy cow, we could be looking at a whole empty head where there is supposed to be reconstruction, people. I could start looking like a deflated grape. Heavens, I don't want to think about what that would do to my hair style.

I have been bellyaching about not being able to color my hair. Well, thank goodness I haven't. It is possible that I have some titanium plate EXPOSED. Yes, you heard me. Now, nobody panic. I am pretty sure that stuff does not take hair dye. So maybe it would have been okay. Nevermind that the brain may not have liked it. Much. It's a shy thing, I hear it likes to hide away in the dark and do it's job without too much fuss or bother. Certainly would prefer not to have anyone shining lights into it's little room.

So, it means another trip to Mayo. From Montana. To let the experts shine more lights into the brain's little room. No one likes it much, but we all do what we have to. And since everything else has been so, so good, this is just a little hiccup. I have to laugh or I'll cry.

I have felt so much better. I was to be back to work full time next week. I am really bummed to have to take any more time away from work. I have the best patients, the best workmates, and the most amazing nurse ever. It really is just a bummer. I am lucky to have the best in the world to work on my little brain so I won't complain. I'll just try to write so I don't think about it too much and try not to be too screwy in the meantime.

(If you aren't familiar with ROW 80, click on the link to the right to learn about it if you want)
ROW 80 Goals this week:
I wrote about 1000 words all together, need to get my act together and get my minimum 500 words a day.
I walked 1 of three days. I am back on antibiotics and waiting to see when I go back to Mayo so I am going to keep this goal but instead of walking one mile, I am going to say walk or exercise 30 minutes every day.
Editing, fell off and didn't do any editing these few days. Will do some today to get back to the goal.

Excited about editing?

New ROW 80 round!

I am getting excited about the rest of the year of writing. I wrote a novella of a little over 50,000 words during NaNo 2013 and promptly put it away to read/cringe over later.

I have been thinking about getting it out recently so I can write another book in the same series for NaNo 2014. It's amazing how quickly the characters fade. I thought I could do some editing and get reacquainted with the characters and perhaps improve on the story during October. I was so pleasantly surprised to see that it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The first 75 pages of 206 pages are salvageable. Yay! And I kind of like my quirky characters. Also yay.

So my first goal this round is going to be to finish reading through the entire book and reworking the plot into something tight and compelling. I intend to spend 10 hours per week for the next 2 weeks doing this and completing my character profiles for my next book.

Since I am recovering from brain surgery and starting to feel so much better, I would like to start an exercise routine as well. I realize this isn't strictly writing related, but I feel if I am in good physical shape, it will make writing more fun and efficient. Besides, I used to love to run and I could not run from a bear if it chased me right now. So, start out by walking at least 1 mile every day and build from there.

Writing project preparation. Since I am doing quite a bit of editing this month, I will prepare for NaNo and my next book in the series I have really started liking. My goal is to have multiple books in the series ready to go at the same time, so if someone likes one, they can keep reading. That's how I like to do it as a reader.

I love to read all of your posts. You all are so inspiring to me. I am quite new at writing as I have only been doing it for a few years with any seriousness. There is so much nuance and feeling to writing. It is much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. As a voracious reader for more than thirty years, it is easy to think that writing will be as easy as reading. That is just not so. I have such a newfound respect for writers, especially those that allow me to visualise what they are writing with punchy prose. I strive to have that kind of talent someday.  Last round of 2014, here we go!

I'm Back!
Hi all you ROW80ers...

Here's what's been happening with me.
I had brain surgery in July. It stopped a certain stroke from happening. Now I have superpowers... I have increased blood flow to my brain, and a big, sexy scar (24 staples from my ear to the top of my head). I am deluding myself that this means increased creativity. I am a writer, I can do that. Right?

I have just, in the last few days, been able to watch television and do other things simultaneously as I always have in the past, without getting a fatigue headache. I am regaining my drive to write, and actually looking forward to going back to work, which is in a little more than a week.

My goals are:

1. Walk every day. I was on a 10 pound weight restriction for 6 weeks and now that I am able to lift normal amounts, EVERYTHING feels heavy. Walking is going to help me to get back to my normal stamina ability.

2. Write 2000 words every day. I have a yearly goal to write 260,000 words this year. I'm at 12,691 words this year. I am finding an increase of joy in writing by using a pen and paper rather than my computer. Weird. I know, but I am going to try it for a while. I may have to go to the computer for faster writing, to catch up if I get behind or to refine my story.

3. Edit my first book in the series I am working on. The first step this week is to receive and set up the new printer.

4. Prepare to go back to work. I will do this by keeping my personal calendar up to date and doing some quieting and centering activities. I have a high stress job.
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New Year, Clean Slate

Finally, feeling better! I have been sick until today. Since last week. I hate being sick this long. It also means I haven't been able to do a really solid end of the year review. I don't do Resolutions, becuase I think having goals only once a year is silly. I have goals all year.

This year my word for the year is Intention. I intend it to be my guiding theme for the year.
1. Writing/Editing
     260,000 words (500,000 stretch goal)
     Edit 2 of the 5 books I intend to write this year.
2. Relationship work
     Make my husband and son a greater focus in my life
     This needs to be something we work on together, as I am not sure what is the most important thing to each of them. That is what I want to focus on this year.
3. Physical
    Move every day. Work counts as it takes up so much of my day, but I would like to work up to running on the treadmill in the morning before work. I watched a documentary about happiness. People who experience FLOW are happier. I experience FLOW when I run.
4. Organize
   10-30 minutes a day of cleaning the house and 2 big projects, the closet (clothes) and the storage room downstairs where all my stuff is languishing after my move...4 years ago.

How will I do it?
Goal notebook. I have always had a poster or a notebook that gives me the visual motivation I need
Plan every day. I'll use my journal and then take it with me so that I remember what I am trying to accomplish.
Affirmation/meditation daily. This will help me to stay less stressed out and advertise in my own brain the things I want.

This week: I am going to aim for 10,000 words by Friday.
I will plan food (daily menus) and write affirmations.
Here we gooo!

Sunday check in between challenges

SO SICK.

This week has been about taking care of my sweetie... well, trying to. I am pretty dependent on him when it comes to eating. So we ate canned food or takeout. Not great for getting over the creeping crud, and not good for either of us as far as our health goes. He got sick on Christmas. I started getting sick on Friday and it hit will full force on Saturday. I would have gladly let someone shoot me. I would have felt better.

You would think, working in health care, I would get sick a lot, but the opposite is actually true. Once you get past the first year or so, you have been introduced to all the bugs, viral and bacterial, and you tend to be less susceptible. This is a good thing. But, once in a while, you still get sick. For real sick. And I am. Bleh. Which is how I feel.

So, I don't think I'll make my 200,000 word goal for the year. Unless I feel a surprising amount better tomorrow. If I don't, I won't put any pressure on myself to finish. I did pretty well getting to 195,000 words on my first try. Yay for that!

I know it's between rounds, but I am enjoying the check ins twice a week, they are keeping me honest. I plan to just keep on checking in. This week, there just wasn't much to report. Have a great New Year Day to everyone with the same calendar as us in the US, and a great week to everyone for whom January 1 is not a holiday, enjoy the week. I wish you health!!

Sunday, just keep swimming

Well, it has been quite the week! I did finally get some exercise, but not before being called on my lazy butt-itude by Ron. Thanks, Ron.

I cleaned the house on Saturday morning in preparation for the homecoming of my wonderful child, who has been gone for 2 years. I love that kid. He has truly grown into a man and I am overwhelmed at the intelligence and amazing maturity he is showing every day. He constantly amazes me and I am grateful to have him around and will be sad to see him off to college when he has to go home. I will hoarde every moment I can with him. Said house-cleaning left me quite sore. Legs especially, arms from all the scrubbing and oh, my feet! Today, we went shopping and walked extensively around Best Buy and Costco, which I am totally counting. So, two out of three days down, and I just have to get on the treadmill tomorrow to make the movement goal for the weekend! 

Next on the list was planning the meals. That will be a difficult one this week due to the kid being here and Christmas, but I am going to take a shot at it tomorrow evening. I am fortunate to be off work until the day after Christmas, which is great, I think my brain needed a break. I had a blind spot again this morning. Stupid head and headaches. That's the second one this week. 

I was thinking of working a bit, but I don't think I will until after Christmas. I am on call Christmas Day and my wonderful colleagues have split the week up with me so that I can spend some quality time with the kid. I can't tell you how amazing it is to work in a place that has such an optimistic and team work inspiring atmosphere. I have spoken to so many people who struggle every day with politics and difficulties with colleagues. Mine are wonderful to work with. Maybe I am the difficult one? Oh, I hope not.

My sister has a dog that is sick and may not make it another few days, so I expect to be comforting her tomorrow when the kid and I go to see her and her hubby. Sad, but then again, I am lucky to live close enough to be able to go see her and be there for her. I am glad for this.

So, the theme for this week is short term struggles and long term successes. I guess it comes down to what Dori said in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming."

Goals:

1. Physical: 10 minutes on the treadmill on all days off (or equivalent movement)

2. Nutrition: Plan meals and shop for food (this is much bigger than it sounds)

3. Writing: Get to 200,000 words. 

I have written about 2000 words so far this week, which isn't bad. I have a pretty clean house which is nice, and should keep me on track for more writing. I am at a total of about 194,000 for the year. Six thousand is really not many words. I could do that all in a day. Let's see if I can do it before next check in an Wednesday!

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