When I woke up

 Then…I woke up.

Turns out what I thought was a journal fail on my part was actually a hormone thing. Guys, this may be TMI, just warning you now.

Since 2020, I have been in a kind of funk. Not really depression, not anxiety, but a low level funk. Like being a hole and forgetting what the light feels like on your face. It happened gradually, I sank down into figurative quicksand and didn’t notice it. As I sank slowly and subtly, the changes were not obvious and it did not occur to me something was wrong.

I looked through my 2022 and 2023 journals with page after page of nothing and felt the loss of memory, but I didn’t really care much. It felt like too much work to pull out my books and play. I was losing something. In health care, we ask patients some screening questions for depression. One of these questions is … have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed. I definitely had.

The thing is, I went through a depression after my divorce 14 years ago. This didn’t feel like that.

(Here comes the TMI) I am a little over 50 years old and a woman. My periods have been erratic, painful, and have lasted from 4 days to 63 days (yes, you can feel bad for me, it sucked a lot) since 2019. I am in peri-menopause. This is the name for the transition between fertility and end of fertility for women. The time of transition. I hate change of most kinds. Working on that… a lot, but still stuck in the change averse place for now. For me, transitions suck. Plain and simple. I’m not alone, but I can only tell my story for now. 

Fortunately, there is Instagram and there are books and colleagues in the medical community who are working hard to educate and support us…through the change. I found some great resources and as I read and explored, the lightbulb went off in my head. I am in perimenopause, my hormones are all over the place. Could this be the reason for my funk?

Short answer: yes. I saw my primary care provider and requested hormones. I placed my first estrogen patch (at the tiniest dose possible) at 6 pm. By 8 pm, I woke up. 

More to come…

Books:

Estrogen Matters by Tavris and Bluming

The Menopause Manifesto by Gunter

IG 

Dr Mary Haver @drmaryclaire

Dr. Heather Hirsch @heatherhirschmd

Journaling fail

The pandemic changed a lot of things including how I use my journals. I have been journaling smaller since the COVID-19 pandemic.

By smaller, I mean the size of my journals, moving down to an A6 size or Weeks (wallet size similar to a traveler’s notebook size). And also the amount and depth of thought I record.

It’s not that I need less processing. It couldn’t be with all the stressors. As a mother worried about my adult son, a daughter worried about my older parents, a wife, a sister and, not least of all, a Nurse Practitioner. I had around 800 patients to be concerned about and it definitely added a lot of stress, and a great deal of crushing sadness when I lost so many of them. All of these roles came with concern for the health of those in my world, and the overwhelming lack of control that came with so many being sick and having no way to help.

I found myself focusing more on spiritual and emotional peace and much of it was so high stress that I did not find it “jounal-able.” During the three years of the high anxiety I felt, processing on paper was almost more than I could take, causing me to step back from as much paper journaling and holding more of it in my physical body. Ever since this change in journaling, I have gained 20 pounds, not recognizing this was a problem until this moment.

This is a pretty vulnerable place to be living. I would like the next step to be to get back to the paper processing and sharing what happens when I do it and maybe what works for me. 

If you have gone through something similar, please share what worked for you!

Why I share my journals and my Hobonichi planners

I have been thinking a lot about why I share my journals and planners on Instagram regularly. What compels the sharing?

Early stage 2 journaling

Part of it has to do with my own journey into journaling and memory keeping. I looked everywhere to find someone using their paper in real life rather than staged or just art. I love art journals, I love stickers, I love the beautiful sketches and drawings that some people have the ability to complete. I wanted to see an example of something real that helped to run a life. While I love to look at the journal pages that are specifically done to showcase planner materials and pretty writing, there is a place for this in the gallery that is Instagram and I can get lost in looking at them, this is not my love. I love to see the daily journals, travel journals, hiking journals and the journals where one goes to dump all of the day-to-day stuff and to get clear and current on jobs and to help the journalist to get to their own best space, in the head and in the heart.



I found Brandice Schnable. She had her simple Moleskine weekly planner filled out and posted. It showed a bit of who she was as a person, that she struggled with weight, her Weight Watchers meetings were mentioned, her food was tracked, that she struggled with her work and loved it, too, that she loved her husband and spending time with him. She didn't mention any names or break confidentiality, but she talked about her work and maligned the same things I struggled with at that time, She was a counselor and I am a Nurse Practitioner. We have similar struggles in our work and even in our lives. I identified with her and she helped me find my journal. It did not have to be complete paragraphs of what I did that day, but could be a simple record and still be very compelling to me years later, as hers was to me when I read through it.


It was a perfect storm. I was reading a book by Tristine Rainer called The New Diary, which discusses the ways to use journaling to help us find our center, The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and Artist's Journal Workshop by Cathy Johnson, which is when I found Brandice, a current journalist who used her journal in many of the ways Tristine discussed. I won't share any of Brandice's content as she has moved past the stage in her life where she shares these things (she found her best life, I like to think I was able to witness part of that process in her journals). I want to do the same thing Brandice did for me for others looking to journal a life. Tracking, setting intention, finding the best path to follow, all of it. Including art if it is what I need that day.

So began a new journey for me. I began with simple daily records, a blank journal and gave myself permission to write, draw, paint, dump all the clutter in my brain on the page, learn to write well in a compelling voice that I could read later and remember fondly as part of my daily life. I don't know if I got there, I still don't know if I am there, but I do know my journal is a slice of my everyday and I hope that someone else can be inspired by it to keep a little bit of their daily life in reserve. To own the day, to figure out where they want to go and to find their own voice.

Current journaling in my A5 Hobonichi Cousin

IG is @bejennie2

#OneBookJuly Wrap up

The end has come.
Not of everything, just of July and of this year's One Book July challenge.
What did I learn? I learned that I need the A5 size for journaling to help with my creativity and, weirdly, to help motivate me to work out regularly. I started the year with a book just for health and working out, thinking it would be uber motivating to have a place to gather up all the information. I had a roll going at the end of 2017 of yoga every day and I had added running and core work. But, for some reason, having the A5 size just inspires me to practice my asana every day.

A few journal days in July

A few more journal days in July

I also learned that the PERFECT sidekick to my A5 journal is the Mega Weeks. It complements my Cousin in a few ways:
       1.  It has many back pages for collections and it is a place to gather notes and other information so that I can use the A5 just as a journal.
      2. I have been using the Weeks since the beginning of the year, and it allows me to look back if needed on information from the beginning of the year since my A5 Cousin is only half a year. The whole year gets too bulky when the amount of wash tape is used in it that I like to use. Love a new book in July. New planners twice a year, so fun.

A place in the blank pages of the Mega Weeks to keep notes on things like yoga practice.

The calendar page in the Mega Weeks that allow me to track things like Water intake, calorie count, steps, whether I worked out or not, how many patients I saw and how many charts I left open. Notes on the right.

So, what should I do when ordering opens for the Hobonichi store in September? I should order a Mega Weeks and a Cousin Avec set for 2019.
What will I actually do? Probably, I'll buy every size.

SO, this is the life of a planner girl. I love all the books. I love all the possibility that comes from all the books. But, the truth is that I should just get one of each of these two, because it makes the most sense and gives me the planner JOY!

There are a lot of things I did not cover about how I actually use these books. If you are interested in more information or a deeper dive into the reflection that I do regularly or tracking techniques, leave me a note and I'll create a post about it. Thanks for stopping by!

#OneBookJuly update

So, here we are in week three and I am LOVING my current 2 book setup.

Last year, I was already in one book, but had some issues that I had never worked out having only a Hobonichi Cousin. I would take notes any random time on my daily pages when reading a book, but would then have a hard time finding them again when I wanted to look back on the notes.

This year, I already had a system worked out before July, accidentally. I was using the new Mega Weeks from Hobonichi as an Every Day Carry (EDC) and to capture all the random bits, like book review notes, self help book notes and details of how I actually used the information.  The Mega Weeks has about 200 blank pages at the back and I have no concerns about running out of space, so I have been freely using this for notes. It is also small enough to pull out at a Medical Staff meeting or other random meetings and I don't feel like I am too conspicuous (since most of the other attendees don't bother with notes). Eureka!

A week complete in the Mega Weeks dated section

Comparison of the Mega Weeks to the Weeks planner

Mega Weeks on the bottom in the Galen Leather cover,  regular Weeks on the top.

And, since the Weeks is my planner, there are only so many tasks I can add per day. This helps me greatly as I tend to move away from long task lists and stop doing things rather than getting them done if the list is too long.
The other huge benefit is that I am loving my A5 sized Cousin to play, just stickers, color and random journaling which is bringing me such JOY. My goal for #onebookjuly was to figure out how to get that joy back in my journaling, to capture my days again for fun and because when I capture the days, it does not feel that time is going QUITE as fast. I would still be okay if it slowed down a bit...

A couple of journal entries, and such a JOYful book to flip through.

Owning my days, even the mundane

Let me know if you have any questions, I love to journal and would love to help anyone who may not know where to start.

One Book July 2018 First week

It's JULY and time for ONE BOOK JULY.  Beginning 4 years ago as a challenge to get back to the basics of the planning with one book and one pen for one month. Each year it changes a bit, with new options added for stretching and developing your own system, but really there are no rules. For more information, go to YouTube and watch Rhomany's Realm, Miss Vicky Bee, or Dispatches from the Frat House (Carrie Harling) to see the introduction or look anywhere on line with the hashtag #onebookjuly, lots of stuff will come up.

Every year, I have done a clean up and clean out, paring down the sticker collection and cleaning up my journal and planner tools.  I don't know why, but this challenge inspires me to get clean and clear with everything. 

Starting point on 1 July, 2 size A6 books and 2  Weeks

Here is another view. Crazy number of books!

This year, I started in a place I have never been before, with 4 books. I had an A6 Hobonichi original techo to journal in, a Hobonichi Mega Weeks for fitness tracking, a Hobonichi Mega Weeks for every day carry and a Spring start A6 hobonichi (another one) to track my day, a la bullet journal. I have usually been a one book girl, so this was getting ridiculous. It felt like a good time for a change. I was even struggling to journal regularly, which is unusual for me, another cue to change.

As I considered what to do for the challenge, I was certain that the Hobonichi Cousin, A5 size would be coming back. I had a second half new book (avec) that starts in July, so it would be an easy add. BUT, I really liked having my Hobonichi Weeks to take to work. It allowed me to throw it in my bag and go, it is small and lightweight, and it has plenty of room to plan. There are also plenty of blank pages in the back that can be used for all manner of things, lists, notes, reflections, and I love this. I have seen some ingenious uses of the back pages for journaling from a lot of folks, I just don't bond with it that way, so my journaling would go back to the A5 size, which allows me space to breathe.

The one thing I hate in my system (journalling and planning) is redundancy. I don't want to write the same thing twice and I want to know where to find things. The Weeks is obviously, in a weekly format, and the Cousin has a weekly view. What will I do with both to prevent redundancy? THAT will be part of the challenge.

Inside view

One Book July decision, one A5 size and one Weekly

I want to be attentive to my days, find the beauty in the mundane, and get the things that drive me nuts out of my head. 

Life does not consist of constant adventures, but small details that make us laugh and cry and give us reasons to continue, the mundane details pull me back into my journals for a journey through my own story over and over.

A spread in the A5, delicious.

ROW 80 check in 11/26

Well, things are going well.
A week ago I could not have said the same thing. I was at 26k last week, which was well behind the goal. Today, I am at 40,244 which is only about 3K behind and I am confident in my ability to write 5k for two days and make my goal!


1. Write to a goal of 43K.
I am at 40,244 which is close enough. Tomorrow, I have a half day to write and the day after that I get a bonus day to finish. I usually work on Tuesday, so am very excited about getting the day to write. And my work is all caught up at my JOB. Yay, for great focus.

2. Yoga most days:
This is going well, 5/7 days this week. This is a 71%, which is not great, but I will take it until my word count is caught up.

3. Run walk run:
Still aiming for 2 times a week. This week, only made one, but I am still happy that it is still on my radar and that this week's run was 3 miles rather than the puny 2 I have been doing. There is a story behind this. I found out I have something called dead butt syndrome, which is when the glutes do not fire at all. I have been working really hard to get them activated, which I have learned over the last 2 months. But, I figured out today that activation is not the same as use. When I have figured out how to actually use the glutes to propel me, I am so much faster (2 min per mile faster) and it is more fun to run. Yay.